I don’t do “casual.” I’m like an 18th-century vampire. When I fall in love, my devotion is boundless and eternal.

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Some people you look at or hear talking and think to yourself, the wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead.

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She is so narcissistic that her narcissism has narcissism.

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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

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Loving her was my second biggest mistake. Not buying Bitcoins in 2010 still remains the first.

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I like winter because I fundamentally understand I deserve to suffer.

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Twitter sucks so much, but randomly there are such funny tweets, so I wait, like a frog, for one delicious fly.

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When you have intense chemistry with someone, everyone else feels so bleh.

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I’m so hungry, I could eat my own cooking.

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Limiting my replies to introverts, wizards, freaks and vampires only.

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If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.