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People in my real life annoy me, so I come online to annoy you.

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Can anyone recommend some good behaviors for someone who just started behaving?

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Sometimes I just want a man to talk to me in the same voice he uses to talk to his dog.

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Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep.

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I hate how l am a “I have an appointment at 4pm so I can’t do anything all day” type of person.

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No, I mean, it’s great toast. I just didn’t expect it to be French.

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All I know for sure is that I could be wrong.

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Dear Santa, Money!

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You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, โ€œhot dogs! hot dogs!โ€ over and over again? Thatโ€™s me, looking for hot dogs.

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I can’t work under these festive conditions.

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If you put a pizza on top of a pizza, you have two pizzas. But if you stack two lasagnas, then you still have one lasagna.

If you put a pizza on top of a pizza, you have two pizzas. But if you stack two lasagnas, then you still have one lasagna.

Commentary:
Guess lasagnas took the "less is more" philosophy a bit too seriously! ๐Ÿ•+๐Ÿ•=2, but ๐Ÿ+๐Ÿ=1 ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ˜‚

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Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡ง has downloaded:

Every girlโ€™s personal hell is being too excited about their birthday and it ends up being the worst day ever.

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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

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It’s Monday again and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.

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Don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. It took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels.

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Waitโ€ฆ if youโ€™re circling back and Iโ€™m touching base, who the hell is monitoring the situation?

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I have some cake and now Iโ€™m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

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Forgot how fun it is to post IG stories. I feel like a female filmmaker.

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Stretching isnโ€™t enough. I need to be able to disassemble my body like Legos.

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Donโ€™t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

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There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, itโ€™s simply referred to as โ€˜being an Amazon driverโ€™.