A storm knows it’s laced with destruction, and yet it rages on.

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The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

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Not to brag, but I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret.

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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

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I don’t even know what I’d do if a sailor called me a landlubber. I’d probably lose my cool.

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Oops, I think I’ve had a little too much to think.

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Don’t you hate it when you buy veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts?

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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

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You say “multitask” like it’s a good thing.

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Your 20s are for developing attachments to people who will haunt you for the rest of your life.

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Roses are red, violets are blue, sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but no, this is just gardening facts.