A woman’s sigh can speak a 1000 words.

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Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

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Toddlers negotiate like tiny mob bosses: it’s the hard way or the harder way.

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I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

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I wish I was a cat, because the fatter you are, the more people like you.

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I was actually about to do a workout when the couch threw itself protectively under me.

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I’m not good at solving Pi, but I’m really good at eating it.

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Every morning I wake up and think I have a hangover, but then I realize I didn’t drink, and this is just how I feel now.

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Expecting your first baby’s exciting, but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

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I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe, cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

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Still don’t understand how girls with no jobs be holding iPhones.