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Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

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Legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them.

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No one watches your story faster than someone who doesnโ€™t talk to you.

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What I’ve learned in all these years of marriage is how to open a bottle of beer silently.

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I regret to inform you that the secret to appearing well-read is to read.

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I got bills. Theyโ€™re multiplying.

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Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

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Anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

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Scrolling should count as cardio.

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Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

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Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.

Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.

Commentary:
"Watch out for those alligators…they've got a long memory and an even longer lifespan! ๐ŸŠ๐Ÿ’ฏ Better be on your best behavior or they just might outlast you and see you later! ๐Ÿ˜‚"



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