Apparently, everyone on the Zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

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Tomorrow isn’t promised, so eat that cake today.

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Being strange is exhausting.

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If you’re dating an alpha female, you need to know that they need to be babied at night, or else they will turn into a dragon.

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The universe clearly isn’t working as it should so someone should turn it off and back on again.

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Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

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Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it.

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Play your cards right and we could be wearing matching fanny packs this summer.

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You ever feel awkward in Target, cause you know you belong at Walmart.

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I don’t like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. I bet I like bananas almost as much as they do.

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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep, not screaming, like the passengers in his car.