Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

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Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

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Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

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People always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. Whenever I do that, my Uber driver yells at me.

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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision.

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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice.

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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

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The ways printers are like kids: Need feeding, are noisy and can’t function when offline.

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Anyone who deals with customers on a professional basis should be allowed to hand out one face slap per day.

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Haircuts should be covered by insurance.