Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

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You’re not stuck in traffic. You are traffic.

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I miss having that butterfly feeling. People give me roach vibes at this point.

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Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

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Life is just a series of Sopranos references with some other things mixed in.

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The older I get, the less surprised I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.

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Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

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I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that thing like it’s paprika.

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I’m always a little mean to men because, if you treat them like humans, they think you wanna sleep with them.

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Showering & getting in bed is literally one of the best combos ever.