Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

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Raising a teenager is like nailing pudding to the wall.

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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.

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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

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Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice.

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Good morning only to the complexity and uncertainty of everything.

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Having a blocked nose really makes you appreciate the finer things in life, like breathing normally.

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Dating for love isn’t working. Now I’m dating to conduct psychological experiments and collect data.

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Getting older is sexy. You moan more.

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Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

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Walking that line between “The internet is great” and “The internet is a mistake” daily.