Establish dominance by showing up with all your childhood trophies.

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My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

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Toothache and heartache comes from the same thing, which is something sweet.

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Cats have 32 muscles in each ear, to help them ignore you.

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I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

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I have a very particular set of useless skills.

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The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

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Date idea: We watch Breaking Bad and break your bed.

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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

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Cover letters are so embarrassing. Why am I writing a love letter to this shitty company?

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Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”