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Jan 22, 2025
Share →: Date idea: We watch Breaking Bad and break your bed.

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"Who knew binge-watching Breaking Bad could have such… explosive consequences? 💥🛏️ Just hope your landlord doesn't find out! 😉 #BreakingBed"

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Someone from 🇩🇴 has copied:

Me every time I wake up: Oh no, not again!

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Whoever first said, “I’m in a pickle,” must have had the weirdest day.

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An adventure and a dragon would cure me.

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Not to brag but I always pick the slowest moving checkout line at the grocery store.

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I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

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She poured the milk before the cereal. It was not meant to be.

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I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

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I’m cold! That’s not goose bumps anymore, that’s woodchip wallpaper.

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One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

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I don’t think human beings were built to know everything going on in the world all the time.

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There is no bigger lie than “fun for the whole family”.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

It whistles, doesn’t it? Your head when it’s windy.

Making waves on YouTube:

I hate it when I’m outside, and an insect lands and crawls on my glasses, and for a split second, I think aliens have invaded.

Going viral on Reddit:

I’m always best at the things I shouldn’t do.

Breaking via YouTube:

Closing down one work tab every day until Christmas like a reverse advent calendar.

Just shared via Telegram:

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Seen just now on Twitch:

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

Broadcasted on YouTube:

The most expensive clothing you’ll ever wear is a hospital gown.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin, so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

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My wife has a weird habit of starting conversations by saying, “Are you even listening to me?”

I used to think I was indecisive, but I’m not too sure any more.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

Halloween pumpkins look even scarier if you just use the ones from last year.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

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I like warm weather but only to a certain degree.

I’m sorry, but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

Roses are red. Bumble bees buzz. This rhyme doesn’t rhyme. No, wait, yes it does.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty. I said because she is a pessimist.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Coworker: Where are you going after work? Me: Away from you.

The heart wants what it wants, but it’s not the only organ that has a vote.

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal, have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?

After overthinking about it for 6 hours, I have decided that it’s actually not that big of a deal.

I don’t drink and drive, but some people drive me to drink.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

Dude, we’re gonna be treating others how we want to be treated later if you wanna pull up.

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