74 funny eye quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes, I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something.

May 24, 2026

My dog sure does give a lot of side eye for someone without a job.

May 24, 2026

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” and maintain eye contact.

May 24, 2026

Farting, but with eye contact.

May 24, 2026

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

May 23, 2026

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

May 23, 2026

Alcohol and eye contact is a deadly combo.

May 23, 2026

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then do the exact opposite of what I just said.

May 22, 2026

I’m not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when I see that I have a good hand.

May 22, 2026

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

May 22, 2026

Men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore.

May 22, 2026

When the moon hits your eye like it’s 5:45, that’s November.

May 22, 2026

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

May 22, 2026

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor.

May 22, 2026

One week without chocolate. I can no longer hear anything in my left eye.

May 21, 2026

Gonna get my eye looked at today. Usually it’s the other way around.

May 21, 2026

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

May 21, 2026

When I was a young boy, the doctor told me I had a lazy eye. By the time I was 50, it had spread to the rest of my body.

May 21, 2026

Second day without coffee. I can no longer hear out of my left eye.

May 21, 2026

You can tell me what you want, but alcohol and eye contact are a dangerous combination.

May 21, 2026

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore. When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

May 21, 2026

The human body is amazing. One half-open eye and the brain under emergency power are enough to make coffee.

May 21, 2026

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

May 21, 2026

Accidentally made eye contact with the sweets at the grocery store and now have to declare bankruptcy.

May 21, 2026

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

May 21, 2026

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

May 20, 2026

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

May 20, 2026

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

May 20, 2026

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

May 20, 2026

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

May 20, 2026

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum, I thought he might be referencing Pokémon.

May 20, 2026

If we ever make eye contact, just know I imagined way too much already.

May 19, 2026

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello.” My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away.

May 19, 2026

Phone is a cigarette for eyes.

May 19, 2026