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Sure, breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing so you can start using it again?

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Public urination isn’t a crime if you do it in your pants.

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Beautiful women named Severe Thunderstorm Warning are blowing up my phone.

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Most people think that I’m arrogant, but who cares what peasants think.

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We’re living in increasingly unfergalicious times.

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Bring me a higher love. You have 24 hours. No cops.

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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

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If you apply enough sunscreen, the rain simply rolls off.

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Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday. But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

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If you drink enough, any bar can be a karaoke bar.