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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇸🇩 has viewed:

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has shared:

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has bookmarked:

Twitter is basically a psychiatric ward where all the patients diagnose each other.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has copied:

The week before your period doesn’t make any sense… until you realize it’s the week before your period.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has shared:

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great, what he really means is, “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

Someone from 🇰🇭 has viewed:

Shoutout to Netflix for being the only one that checks in on me every few hours. “Are you still watching?” Yeah, babe, thank you for asking.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has downloaded:

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has shared:

Nobody in the entire world has ever known what to do with me.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has copied:

I find it sad that my universal remote does not control the universe. Not even remotely.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has bookmarked:

My greatest aspiration is to one day solve a murder on a train.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,429

Social Media Log 💫

Going bananas on Telegram:

Update on my fitness journey: My wife just handed me a bag of apples at the market and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

Just landed via Discord:

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Breaking via Telegram:

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

Spotted on Instagram:

Hope this email finds you moonwalking out of work early.

Just landed via WeChat:

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Trending via Telegram:

Can I be 20 again? I know what to do this time.

Just shared via Snapchat:

Sorry I didn’t respond to your message, I got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close.

Going viral on WeChat:

My mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend.

Just landed via Facebook:

Too poor for Ozempic but too undisciplined for strict diet and exercise. Is there a secret third option?

Making waves on WhatsApp:

As a sales clerk, you want to shout after some people as they leave the store: “Are you sure you’ve really REALLY touched everything?”

201 Funny start quotes

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I feel like you’re allowed to start your day at 4 p.m. if you are pure of heart.

3 weeks ago

4, allowed, day, feel, heart, humor, i, late, late start, purity, start, start time, time

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15 shares on Messenger this month:

The reason the world felt like a better place during your childhood is because you were a child.

41 shares on Facebook this month:

Not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after I planted the seeds in the first place.

31 shares on X this month:

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

83 shares on LinkedIn this month:

One man’s worst nightmare (me) is another man’s peace (also me).

25 shares on Facebook this month:

Light is faster than sound. That’s why people seem so bright until you hear them talk.

76 shares on Instagram this month:

Maybe making another financially irresponsible decision will fix me.

65 shares on YouTube this month:

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

27 shares on Slack this month:

The ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives).

78 shares on Pinterest this month:

This is actually worse than Biff Tennan’s future.

16 shares on TikTok this month:

I hate it when my AirPods die instead of me.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇬 has bookmarked:

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has bookmarked:

I left the house with wet hair and no makeup on, so I’m sure I’ll run into everyone I know.

Someone from 🇸🇾 has copied:

I’m never really sure what to do with my hands when I go jogging, so I don’t go jogging.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has shared:

The first 120 hours after the weekend are always the worst.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has downloaded:

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am at work.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has viewed:

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has downloaded:

Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now.

Someone from 🇧🇳 has downloaded:

I wish I was as tired in bed at night as I am after lunch at work.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has downloaded:

At first I’m shy, then I’m a podcast.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has shared:

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

I need a leaf blower, but for people.

Trending via Telegram:

My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

Eating spaghetti to forgetti my regretti.

Just shared via X:

Santa went woke and gave me a small solar panel instead of coal.

Live now on WeChat:

Sometimes I shower in the dark and pretend I’m in a rainforest on an alien planet.

Making waves on Facebook:

We need a word for a type of person who spends all their time working to live in a city so they can be near cool things, but they don’t actually like going out.

Making waves on X:

“Santa isn’t real!” Okay, I literally just saw him at the mall.

Live now on LinkedIn:

Just cleaned my room in case Beyoncé was somewhere close to my house and her car broke down, and she needed somewhere to sleep.

Trending via WeChat:

Recovering people pleasers will be like, “I’m in my villain era!” and it’s just politely drawing healthy boundaries.

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201 Funny start quotes

More funny start quotes 👇

I feel like you’re allowed to start your day at 4 p.m. if you are pure of heart.

All funny start quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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