Got a new high score on my bathroom scale.

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I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself, so if y’all don’t hear from me later, she probably folded me like an omelet.

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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

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I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body. Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

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If there is a God and He “loves” us, then explain snakes.

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I want to save money, but all I’m saving are memes.

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Remember, you don’t have to worry about being around annoying people in public if you never leave the house.

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I like people who make eye contact like they know something I don’t.

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Your secret is safe with me because I don’t care.

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There’s really nothing as pathetic as watching a sad little man argue with Grok in hopes of manipulating the conversation to get an answer he wants.