His palm trees are Serengeti, destination wedding, luggage is heavy. There’s vomit on his tux already, Dollar store confetti.

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Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has bookmarked:

Alcohol is a vicious cycle: regret, recovery, repeat.

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Currently helping my husband look for his $20 I spent yesterday.

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If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

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Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

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Money talks, but all mine ever says is goodbye.

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Line dancing was created by women waiting to use the restroom.

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Napping is the best activity for weight loss, because I can’t eat anything when I’m asleep!

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An introvert walked into a bar. Just kidding. The introvert stayed home.

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Walking on egg shells? In this economy?