I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

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Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes.

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I can resist everything except temptation.

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I think Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup.

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I am physically, mentally and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life…. hibernation.

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In other news, congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me.

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When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay, we’re out of time today”, just like a therapist.

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My four moods: I’m too old for doing that. I’m too tired for doing that. I’m too sober for doing that. I don’t have time for doing that.

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Wish my metabolism worked as fast as my anxiety.

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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

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Cashews are my favorite because they’re salty and hunched over just like me.