I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

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Taking my heart off my sleeve, I fold it up neatly and carefully place it back inside my chest.

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Pasta is something I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of.

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I like to describe the difference between theory and practice with shopping lists and receipts.

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They should invent a life where I know what I’m doing.

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Stop asking me if I’m tired. Can’t I just be ugly?

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Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they Batman now? The suspense is killing me.

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I don’t understand people who say “I don’t know how to thank you.” Like they never heard of money.

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Human interaction is a great way to learn all the new swear words your subconscious mind has come up with in the lab.

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I can relate to God because it also takes me a full week to finish something that still kind of sucks.

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His palm trees are Serengeti, destination wedding, luggage is heavy. There’s vomit on his tux already, Dollar store confetti.