I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

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Some things are better left alone, like me, for instance.

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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

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I don’t have red flags, I have fun facts.

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Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our car windows.

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When life gives you lemons, give them back and ask what the crap is all about.

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Peak delusion is believing that a paragraph will make someone treat you better.

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Not all people have bad neighbors. The ones next door have a great one.

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Sometimes I have to remind myself to put down my iPhone, go outside, and judge people in person.

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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me.

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I like to describe the difference between theory and practice with shopping lists and receipts.