I suck at flirting. I be like “is that so?”

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I’m “I can’t sit like that for too long” years old.

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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

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I love diss tracks because it’s basically two dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

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I mostly choose to stay silent in weird situations but my face has subtitles.

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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

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I’d post more pics, but I don’t want y’all falling in love all at once.

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I’m not sure how long my body can handle this “getting out of bed early in the morning” nonsense.

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On Twitter, you will always find someone who is tweeting your thoughts but with better grammar.

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I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop.

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The man who invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invented the merry-go-round. They traveled in different circles.