I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin ME.

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Why is everyone so chill about parrots being able to talk? That’s a whole animal. Talking.

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My signature move is me looking for my phone that I’m currently holding in my hand.

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Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform.

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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!

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Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

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Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

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I think it broke my boyfriend’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

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The urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive. Bro, like, chill we’re getting there. Don’t threaten to come out.

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Never quit, unless it’s too hard.

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You don’t know about stupidity until your female friends open up about their love life.