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When I bark at a dog, I always worry that I might have inadvertently said something wrong.

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Sometimes I just stand in the sun and stare at nothing, like a dog.

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A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

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An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit.

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I love diss tracks because it’s basically two dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Someone from 🇧🇬 has downloaded:

Why do these women want to date Pete Davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining?

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When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors and windows, before any inspirational quotes get in.

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Just learned in psychology that when a man goes to sleep first, it’s because he’s comfortable around you and wants you to go through his phone.

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The concept of a drive-by doesn’t really exist in the swamp biome; instead, people rap about doing bog-emerges.

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Obituaries should have clickbait titles.