Life would be so much easier if the nose of people who lie all the time did actually grow longer like Pinocchio’s.

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It’s scary when the washing machine spins really fast.

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I love when really expensive products say, “apply generously,” like, of course, you would say that.

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The closest I get to a spa day is when I’m draining pasta, and the steam smacks me in the face.

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Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a red wine?

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Every year, just in time for Christmas, when it’s freezing cold, the Coca Cola truck shows up. Now, in this freaking heat, it’s nowhere to be seen.

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I wish you could put your whole life on do not disturb.

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People shouldn’t be at the grocery store the same time as me. Get out of the way.

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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

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I don’t know how to flirt, but you can watch me eat fresh fruit in my sundress.

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I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like four commandments.