My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the TV.

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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

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You’re not entertaining, you are exittaining.

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Tariff this, tariff that. When is somebody gonna tariff my clothes and kiss me?

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The internal struggle between wanting to be productive and just wanting to nap all day.

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I woke up, got out of bed, and had coffee. I think that’s enough for one day.

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If Pokémon were real, state fairs would serve them deep fried on a stick.

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Not to brag, but what a time to be childless.

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My toxic trait is binging a show too fast, then getting sad when I have nothing to watch.

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Life is just a sequence of missed opportunities.