My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger.

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Rent really don’t make no sense. Like, why is my apartment getting a raise every year? Who is doing the performance review?

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Idiocracy wasn’t supposed to be a documentary.

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Normalize saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

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Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I know it’s hard, but you’ll be okay. Here’s a coffee and a million dollars.”

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Robots eating a bowl of cereal that’s actually a bunch of nuts and bolts, you don’t see that as much anymore.

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I’m scared to go to an art museum, because what if they decide to keep me?

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No one watches your story faster than someone who doesn’t talk to you.

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I always wait 3 minutes after each post for the applause to die down.