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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from πŸ‡³πŸ‡΄ has viewed:

I have the sex drive of a potato.

Someone from πŸ‡±πŸ‡Ή has copied:

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for β€œdumpster fire”?

Someone from πŸ‡―πŸ‡² has copied:

β€œThe average CEO reads 52 books a year.” Yeah, because they’ve got nothing else to do.

Someone from πŸ‡²πŸ‡° has viewed:

I’m so glad when summer is over and I finally don’t have to see any feet on the internet anymore.

Someone from πŸ‡§πŸ‡§ has downloaded:

Shout out to the people getting $400 hotel rooms on Feb 14th to do the same two positions they do at home.

Someone from πŸ‡ΉπŸ‡Ή has copied:

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Someone from πŸ‡¦πŸ‡« has bookmarked:

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Someone from πŸ‡ΉπŸ‡» has viewed:

Just accidentally closed a tab I’ve had been meaning to read for the past two years.

Someone from πŸ‡²πŸ‡¬ has bookmarked:

Becoming a psychic for the foreseeable future.

Someone from πŸ‡­πŸ‡· has bookmarked:

The Scream movies were believable in the ’90s, but no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore.

Funny Quotes Data πŸ€“

New Funny Quotes

301 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,570

Funny Quotes Topics

17,628

Funny Quotes Images

15,570

Updated

Jan 12, 2026

Users Online

3,589

Social Media Log πŸ’«

Seen just now on TikTok:

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Live now on Slack:

Summer is the time when it’s too hot to do what it was too cold to do in winter.

Live now on Instagram:

One of the biggest struggles of being an adult is deciding what to make for supper. Every. Single. Night.

Trending via WeChat:

May the algorithms be with you.

Spotted on Instagram:

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Shared recently on YouTube:

Therapy isn’t gonna cut it, I need vengeance.

Just landed via WeChat:

There are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Making waves on Telegram:

Everybody’s back hurts until it’s time to have sexy time.

Making waves on Instagram:

An alcoholic morning show host becoming Secretary of War is some Kurt Vonnegut shit.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Drinking a couple of beers and then getting onto Red Dead Redemption, and just petting my horse and feeding it apples.

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog.

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog.
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Commentary:
Looks like you're barking up the right tree! 🏑🐾 Who knew that becoming a rescue dog could lead to the ultimate ruff life in the countryside? πŸΆπŸ’Ό Time to start perfecting those tail-wagging skills and fetching those dreams! πŸ•βœ¨ #RescueDogGoals

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Welcome to Wordgag! πŸ˜‰βœŒοΈ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. πŸ˜‚πŸ’₯

Social Media Stars ⭐

97 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I read somewhere that playing white noise helps you sleep better, but I didn’t find country music helpful at all.

22 shares on LinkedIn this month:

In a relationship with my heated car seat.

15 shares on WeChat this month:

I look so pretty today. I should go for a walk and let the people enjoy this.

39 shares on Messenger this month:

All I’m saying is that porn gives us an unrealistic expectation of how quickly the electrician shows up.

23 shares on Snapchat this month:

Find someone who cares about you as much as Gmail cares about new devices signing into your account.

68 shares on Slack this month:

April Fool’s next week and still no one has asked me to be their fool.

75 shares on Reddit this month:

College is not even mentioned once in the Bible. Somebody get me outta here.

76 shares on Threads this month:

Social media can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

26 shares on YouTube this month:

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since.

88 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%.

Trending Topics πŸ“

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Hot Jokes πŸ’₯

18 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

It’s too late. I sat down on the couch after work. Go on without me.

16 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Doggystyle, so we can both look at the river.

23 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Which wine pairs best with WWIII?

8 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Sorry, I can’t today. I have to sit in my room and make matters worse.

20 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

When people tell me “you’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep until noon because I am a problem solver.

7 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Gonna finish eating all these Christmas cookies so I’m no longer tempted to eat them.

13 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Hey, sorry I can’t go out tonight. I already showered and got into bed, and now I’m busy rubbing my feet together like a little grasshopper.

6 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Don’t be alarmed at my semicolon usage; I’m a professional.

7 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today, I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

17 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Home is where the clothes rack stands in the way.

Funny Quotes Data πŸ€“

New Funny Quotes

301 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,570

Funny Quotes Topics

17,628

Funny Quotes Images

15,570

Updated

Jan 12, 2026

Users Online

3,242

Activity Log ✨

Someone from πŸ‡ΉπŸ‡¬ has viewed:

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

Someone from πŸ‡§πŸ‡Ώ has bookmarked:

Can I come over and circle you like a vulture?

Someone from πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡¦ has downloaded:

Google Maps should not count towards my screen time. I’m not addicted to my phone, I’m disoriented.

Someone from πŸ‡¨πŸ‡Ύ has downloaded:

Some people have goals based on a summer body. Mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Someone from πŸ‡»πŸ‡Ί has bookmarked:

The breathing exercises from the birth preparation course are only needed once the child has reached puberty.

Someone from πŸ‡¦πŸ‡© has bookmarked:

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction.

Someone from πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡¬ has shared:

I could have been somebody if I’d been somebody else.

Someone from πŸ‡ΉπŸ‡³ has downloaded:

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Someone from πŸ‡¦πŸ‡« has copied:

The only thing I don’t miss about the 90s is people smelling like cigarettes.

Someone from πŸ‡«πŸ‡· has viewed:

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is β€œwe’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

Social Media Log πŸ’«

Shared recently on Pinterest:

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Just shared via Discord:

Can’t. Inventing new things to worry about.

Spotted on Telegram:

Friendship is when you don’t tidy up before visitors arrive.

Spreading quickly via WeChat:

I can’t believe I slept good all night. What a rush.

Live now on WhatsApp:

Sometimes I’m like….. what is the point of all this? And then I hang out with the people I love, and for a brief moment, I see.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Actually, men should take the pill. It makes more sense to unload the gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

Making waves on Instagram:

I would do absolutely anything for my friends, except answer their text messages.

Going bananas on Slack:

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Trending via Threads:

Imagine hating me, and I’m just here unloading my dishwasher.

Broadcasted on Instagram:

I love how all the Black Friday deals this year are just the price of the item before the tariffs.

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