Old people be like “no elbows on the table, it’s rude” then say something racist.

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Life’s too short to remove the USB drive safely.

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White, black, yellow, brown, Democrat, Republican, man, woman, straight, gay, transgender, Jew, Christian, Muslim, young and old — you will all taste the same to the zombies.

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Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

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Nothing prepared me for how much of my adult life would be spent hiding from people I know at the grocery store.

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I bet being full feels so good for the moon.

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I’ve got midlife crises older than you.

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My bed is from Ikea, so it’s more unstable than i am.

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Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies. Worth every penne.

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No one tells you that the older you get, the more often you check your weather app.

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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”.