Ozzy Osbourne has mumbled through entire sentences, and I still understood him better than most of my exes.

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I’m cosplaying as a functional adult again.

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I’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is.

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Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to flirt today.

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Non-parents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesn’t want to do, and he would obey.

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I already know how it will end. One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

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“I’m getting tired of everything being 100 dollars and 100 degrees.”

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All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

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Patience: something you have when there are too many witnesses around.

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Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago.

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When people are telling me a story about their life it often reminds me of a much better story from my life.