Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has shared:

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has downloaded:

Nothing like a grandfather clock to remind you every hour that you’re still awake.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has viewed:

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has viewed:

My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has viewed:

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage, what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

Someone from 🇸🇩 has copied:

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work. The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has copied:

The earlier you wake up, the more time you have to think about why you wish you were still asleep in bed.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has shared:

“Well, at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has bookmarked:

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has downloaded:

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.