Shoutout to myself for ruining my own life.

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I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.

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Please be delicate with me, I’m built like a Nature Valley bar.

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If a woman says “Do what you want!”, then for God’s sake don’t do what you want!

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I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn’t even know they knew how to knit.

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I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning Wordle streak.

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Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk.

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When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent.

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Some people avoid bacon for the sake of religion. I avoid religion for the sake of bacon.

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I have more photos of food on my phone than I do of my children.

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Twitter is a prime example why most of us shouldn’t be left unsupervised.