Start each day with a positive thought, like: “I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours.”

Someone from 🇺🇦 has downloaded:

Just because you can connect to your neighbor’s bluetooth speaker and play ghost noises doesn’t mean you should.

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Respect people who wear glasses because they paid money to see you.

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Shout-out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my Speedo.

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Passwords are like underwear: You shouldn’t leave them out where people can see them, you should change them regularly, and you shouldn’t loan them out to strangers.

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So. Fed the laundry and washed the cat. Showered the garbage and disposed of myself. Was there anything else?

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I can’t even think straight knowing a package got delivered while I’m not home.

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Every house has a smell that only the people living in it don’t smell.

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People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

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The inventor of archery: Man, I really wanna stab that guy over there.

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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.