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When I die, I hope I’m remembered for my ability to take any bad situation and make it worse.

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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

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Please don’t dm me with the intention of dating me. You deserve less.

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Hangman is so great. No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

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I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

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I am not leaving this house until my hoodie strings are even.

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You know IT have given up when the error message reads, ‘Something went wrong’.

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Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus.

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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

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This quote is invisible. Only people who masturbate a lot can read it.