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If I say I love you, it’s just the apocalypse talking.

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Statistically speaking, people don’t object enough at weddings.

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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

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The sound of rain outside when you’re in bed is elite.

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All the world’s a stage, and I always forget my line.

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Being single allows you to do a lot of things. For example, standing naked in the kitchen at night and eating cold pizza.

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Every morning, the cat watches me make coffee and asks if we can go sit out on the balcony to watch the birds, and every morning I say, yes, of course, let’s.

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Procrastination isn’t a horrible thing. I mean, you always have something to do tomorrow… plus you have nothing to do today.

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At the self-checkout, I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up.

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I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. I should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.