The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression.

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We’re living in increasingly unfergalicious times.

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Hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names.

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Tolerate the lactose already, you heathen.

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Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”.

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Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions, chocolate understands.

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No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work.

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I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

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Unfortunately, you have to almost worship the ground I walk on for me to believe you’re into me.

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My body is a machine that turns pizza into diarrhea.

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Them: “Ugh, could you be more annoying?” Me: “Oh God, yes!”