The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip.

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I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

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Love is in the air fryer.

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Going to the beach is 99% getting ready for the beach and 1% enjoying the beach.

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Avocado is just green butter.

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The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

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It’s difficult to play hard to get when I’m already hard to want.

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Breaking news is really breaking me.

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At the gym, everyone thinks exclusively about how little weight I can lift and how quickly I’m out of breath, because the world revolves around me.

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At the art museum walking slower and observing more than anyone else.

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“Those tattoos will make it harder to get a job!” Okay, well so will my personality.