There are two quantities of popcorn: not enough and what have I done

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Hey! (with the intention of going back to sleep)

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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

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Somewhere on our planet, there is someone who doesn’t care about you at this moment. It could be billions.

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I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times. You know, just to be sure.

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Why would I get married when it’s a well-known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

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Every year I realize how dumb I was a year ago.

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You don’t get to tell me what to do, you’re not my cat.

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The toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title.

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My mom asked me where I’m taking her to eat on Mother’s Day. I told her we have food at home.

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I’ll never tell anyone your secret because that would mean talking to people.