Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew my buddy kept a diary.
  • Unfortunately, I’m gonna have to cancel my appointment at a sperm bank. I will just call them and say I can’t come.
  • Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
  • Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
  • Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
  • I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the TV to get a clearer picture.