Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

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At the self-checkout, I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up.

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Sometimes I feel like my life is being written by someone who isn’t sure if they like me or not.

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The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless, and to humor the disturbed.

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Sorry I’m late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

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Enjoy the time between diapers!

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After you’ve been married a long time, you become able to communicate nonverbally. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s why we never speak.

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This year should be named “things I never thought could happen”.

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They call it a coffin because they’re finally coughing up that inheritance.

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Getting an extra 20 minutes in the day when someone cancels a meeting is like finding a penny on the ground. Not gonna use it for anything, but wow, am I excited.

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Commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart.