Traveling back in time to proudly inform Benjamin Franklin that my stove has wifi.

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Funny thing about zombie movies – they never seem to go after the cameraman.

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A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

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The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

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If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago, it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin. Let that sink in.

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If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.

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Note to self: No more bitching about ugly furniture with people at IKEA whose home you haven’t been to yet.

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The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you and good night.

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Whoever said having a crush is when you feel the most like Carrie Bradshaw was so real for that.

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I can’t think of a single email that has ever found me well.

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I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.