50+ Funny Advice Quotes That Prove Nobody Really Knows What They’re Doing

New funny advice quotes

• I’ve mastered farting, and it be loud and quick, but the key is don’t make a face or look around, so people can’t pinpoint it to you. Just act natural.

• Have you tried complaining about it?

• Doctor advised me to stop drinking. This is going to be a big change for me. I was with that doctor for decades.

• Internet strangers offer the best advice.

• The only lesson I remember from the pandemic is that you’re only supposed to wash your hands if it’s your birthday.

• In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place wieners and/or cheese slices in your pockets, so the search dogs will find you first.

• Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.

• A wise man once said, “Bees don’t waste their time explaining to flies that honey is better than shit.”

• Graduation advice: Stay cool. Don’t be a fool. Avoid being a tool.

• Don’t ask me for work advice, I’m just going to tell you to quit your job.

Top funny advice quotes

• If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

• Get off the internet and go sniff a flower.

• “Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

• Don’t tell me what to do unless you are naked.

• If pills are too toxic to flush down the toilet, you probably shouldn’t swallow them.

• I need to stop living by the words “life is short.” It’s hurting my bank account.

• Not sure who needs to hear this, but make your bloody bed.

• Telling your parents about your problems is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

• Before you try to save someone, make sure you’re not interrupting their karma.

• Twitter is great because you can get good life advice from other emotionally unstable adults.

Popular funny advice quotes

• “You like talking to yourself?” God forbid I seek advice from an expert.

• Best tips for saving money: lay down and don’t move.

• Stop blaming everyone for your problems. Pick one person you really hate and blame them for everything.

• Telling your parents about your problems is like adding another problem to your life.

• Can anyone recommend some good places for somebody just getting into visiting?

• It’s never too early to start making bad decisions.

• I don’t know which aunty needs to hear this, but focus on your own child.

• Stop wasting your money on beauty products. The secret to looking young is to wear a baseball cap with a propeller on it.

• Dating now is basically choosing which red flag you’re willing to tolerate.

• Whoever is dating my ex, all I can say is: cheat first!

More funny advice quotes

• Told my homie I was “going through it” and he just said “go around it”.

• They are all liars, so just pick the tallest and enjoy.

• My toxic trait is that I give my friends mental health advice when I belong in an asylum.

• I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t need anything from Amazon today.

• The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has a 0% success rate.

• Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario.

• Don’t forget to make everything about you today.

• I need to consult the woods about this.

• Fellas, if your lady is mad, ask her if it’s because she’s put on some weight. That’ll calm her down.

• Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Witty advice quotes

• How to have flat stomach: remove all of your organs.

• Don’t rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

• Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

• Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

• Never trust a wet fart.

• Please remember, I am an inspiration for birth control.

• Never eat more than you can lift.

• I need money, not feelings.

• A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

• Don’t hate me, date me!

Funny advice quotes remind us that while everyone loves giving advice, nobody really has it all figured out 🤷‍♂️. From “just be yourself” 🙃 to “follow your dreams” 🎯, advice often sounds better than it works 😂. These quotes are perfect for anyone who’s ever received questionable guidance or dished out some themselves 🤣. So keep sharing tips, keep rolling your eyes, and always find the humor in life’s never-ending stream of advice 🤪!