New funny advice quotes

• A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.

• Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.

• Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

• Whenever I have a headache, I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.

• If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

• If she says “you are my world” remember there are other planets. Stay alert, kings!

• Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.

• I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

• My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

• People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.

Top funny advice quotes

• “What’s something you’d tell your younger self?” You can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you.

• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

• I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes.

• If she tells you, she’s got a man, keep trying. Loyal women don’t even reply.

• Don’t study, get slutty!

• The best piece of dating advice I’ve ever received is “If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.” Honestly, it’s all you need to know.

• They won’t teach you this in school, but life is all about going to weird little diners.

• Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing, because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

• “Try it all before you die” is always drugs and sex, never quantum physics.

• Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

Popular funny advice quotes

• A little 9-5 with a little fraud on the side is the only way you gone survive in this world.

• I’ve tasted being the bigger person. I’ve also tasted matching energy. I recommend no contact.

• If you can’t wow them with wisdom, baffle them with bullshit.

• Girls … I understood why they advise us to get married and have kids before 25. Because after that, our brain starts working, and the decision won’t seem so reasonable anymore.

• My advice to young people to prepare for getting older is to start stretching immediately.

• Girl, whatever you’re going through right now, as long as you’re not pregnant, you’re gonna be fine.

• Just say, “My future husband would never do that,” and move on.

• Stop dating if you have no car.

• Life tip: if nothing goes right, go to sleep.

• Stop letting people who are going to hell bother you.

More funny advice quotes

• Follow your dreams – ideally in a field that will still require humans when you graduate.

• I have tasted academic validation. I have tasted romantic love. I recommend getting a hobby.

• There will be people in your life that say you have too many books. Those are not your people.

• I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throw away your disgusting dish sponge.

• Friendly reminder to drink your water and mind your business this week.

• I see posts like, “If food is too expensive, just grow your own.” Okay, Einstein, why didn’t I think of that?

• If you get bitten by a snake and you’re not sure if it was poisonous, simply wait to see if you die or not. That should give you your answer.

• You can be under 25, just don’t do it around me.

• For your own sanity, move on like you never knew them, because in reality, you never did.

• You don’t get to comment on the world until you’ve made your bed.

Witty advice quotes

• For your own sanity, always take mixed signals as a no.

• I don’t know who needs to hear this, but that much caffeine can’t be good for you.

• Stop rushing in the morning. You’re starting your day in panic mode.

• Pro tip: Avoid the news for a couple of days and have some fun.

• I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your dog can stay home for the hour you’re at the grocery store or restaurant.

• “Just be yourself”—that has gotten me mixed results in the past.

• Have you tried just not thinking about it? Like, ever again?

• You’re over 35. Better go pee before you leave, pee when you get there, pee while you’re there, and pee before you leave.

• I don’t know what millennial needs to hear this, but throw away the box your phone came in. You don’t need it. You will never need it.

• I don’t give people directions. What if no one wants them there?

Funny advice quotes remind us that while everyone loves giving advice, nobody really has it all figured out 🤷‍♂️. From “just be yourself” 🙃 to “follow your dreams” 🎯, advice often sounds better than it works 😂. These quotes are perfect for anyone who’s ever received questionable guidance or dished out some themselves 🤣. So keep sharing tips, keep rolling your eyes, and always find the humor in life’s never-ending stream of advice 🤪!