Advice is the only gift people give you where they get offended if you don’t use it, even if the advice was “you should definitely try cutting your own bangs.” 💇♂️✂️ We live in an age of unsolicited wisdom, where everyone from your mailman to a random person in a Facebook comment section feels qualified to tell you how to live your life. 📬🗣️ The problem is that most “life hacks” are just ways to make a simple task take three times longer, and most “inspirational” guidance sounds like it was written by a person who has never actually had to pay a bill or deal with a broken printer. 🖨️📉 Whether it’s the classic “just be yourself” (which is terrible advice if you’re a jerk) or the ever-popular “follow your heart” (which is how I ended up eating a whole block of cheese at 3:
- I know life can be tough, but you still gotta wear deodorant.
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Even on rough days, let your pits smell like victory! 🙌💪🤣 - Take your days off, these jobs don’t care about you.
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Who knew sick days could be the secret to job security? 😜💼🌴 - I do not know how to put this gently, but part of being a good driver is using the gas and brake as little as humanly possible.
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Sounds like my car might qualify for a gym membership with all that speeding and stopping! 🚗💨🛑😅 - What’s wrong, babe? You hardly touched your own advice you give to others.
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Looks like someone needs a taste test before serving up that advice buffet! 🍴🙃 - Stop expecting people to be as cool as you, it’s a recipe for disappointment.
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Trying to find someone cooler than me is like searching for a unicorn in a haystack! 🦄😎 - I do not care how bad the relationship is, I am NOT calling a radio station for advice.
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Sounds like calling a radio station for advice on relationships is like asking a dog for directions! 😂📻🔍 - I don’t give people directions. What if no one wants them there?
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Trying to protect the world from unexpected guests, one wrong turn at a time! 😂🗺️🔄 - I don’t know what millennial needs to hear this, but throw away the box your phone came in. You don’t need it. You will never need it.
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Why do we keep those boxes? Are we secretly hoping to use them as tiny condos for our chargers? 📦📱😂 - You’re over 35. Better go pee before you leave, pee when you get there, pee while you’re there, and pee before you leave.
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Pee-parations are key to an active social life! 🚽😅🚻 - Have you tried just not thinking about it? Like, ever again?
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"Brain: Overworked. Me: On permanent vacation mode! 🏖️🧠" - “Just be yourself”—that has gotten me mixed results in the past.
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Being myself has led to a few victories, a few awkward dance moves, and at least one restraining order 😂🤦♂️🕺 - I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your dog can stay home for the hour you’re at the grocery store or restaurant.
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Your dog called and said they’re fine at home but requested more treats in exchange for their sanity 😂🐶🦴 - Pro tip: Avoid the news for a couple of days and have some fun.
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Time to switch from "breaking news" to "breaking free" from stress! 😂📰✨ - Stop rushing in the morning. You’re starting your day in panic mode.
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When I rush in the morning, even my coffee needs coffee! ☕️😂 - I don’t know who needs to hear this, but that much caffeine can’t be good for you.
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Guess I'm just trying to reach 'full charge' like my phone, but instead I’m vibrating more than it ever does! ☕🔋😅 - For your own sanity, always take mixed signals as a no.
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Mixed signals? My WiFi has better connection! 😂📡🚫 - You don’t get to comment on the world until you’ve made your bed.
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I guess my opinions have been lying around as long as my unmade bed! 🛏️🤔🗣️ - For your own sanity, move on like you never knew them, because in reality, you never did.
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Sounds like I need to add "mind reader" to my resume… or maybe just "professional forgetter"! 🙃🧠🚶♂️ - You can be under 25, just don’t do it around me.
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Oh no, I've reached my "mature and wise" age level, please stop all that youthful energy before it overwhelms my arthritis 😂🧓✨ - If you get bitten by a snake and you’re not sure if it was poisonous, simply wait to see if you die or not. That should give you your answer.
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Testing snake bites: the ultimate patience challenge! 🐍⏳😅 - I see posts like, “If food is too expensive, just grow your own.” Okay, Einstein, why didn’t I think of that?
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Sounds like the only thing I'm growing is my grocery bill! 🌱💸🤔 - Friendly reminder to drink your water and mind your business this week.
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Hydration and low-key nation has never sounded so refreshing! 💧🙃🕶️ - I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throw away your disgusting dish sponge.
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Finally someone said it! My sponge has gone from cleaning dishes to auditioning for a horror movie! 🧽😱👻 - There will be people in your life that say you have too many books. Those are not your people.
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When someone says you have too many books, just bookmark that moment as the beginning of a plot twist. 📚😂 - I have tasted academic validation. I have tasted romantic love. I recommend getting a hobby.
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Academic love affairs have zero calories, but hobbies come with all the sass and none of the mess! 🛠️🎨🤣 - Follow your dreams – ideally in a field that will still require humans when you graduate.
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Chasing dreams like a pro, but making sure my robot doesn't take over my future job! 🤖💼😂 - Stop letting people who are going to hell bother you.
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When someone tries to rain on your parade, just remember they're on the express train to Hades and don't have time for your sunshine! 🌞🚂🔥 - Life tip: if nothing goes right, go to sleep.
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Dreams don't judge you for hitting the snooze button on reality! 😴🤣 - Stop dating if you have no car.
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Can't even take my date for a walk without four wheels? Guess it's time for a bicycle-built-for-two! 🚲💔✨ - Just say, “My future husband would never do that,” and move on.
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"Manifesting husband goals while avoiding questionable behavior — it's a win-win! 💍🚫😆" - Girl, whatever you’re going through right now, as long as you’re not pregnant, you’re gonna be fine.
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Sounds like solid advice! Just dodge baby showers and you’re in the clear! 🤰😅🎉 - My advice to young people to prepare for getting older is to start stretching immediately.
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Just signed up for a stretching class—consider it an investment in my future flexibility stock! 🤸♀️📈😂 - Girls … I understood why they advise us to get married and have kids before 25. Because after that, our brain starts working, and the decision won’t seem so reasonable anymore.
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When your brain finally boots up and you realize marriage might need more than a 10-year warranty 🤔💍🤣 - If you can’t wow them with wisdom, baffle them with bullshit.
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When in doubt, unleash your inner wizard and cast a Confusion Spell! 🧙♂️💨🤔 - A little 9-5 with a little fraud on the side is the only way you gone survive in this world.
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When Creative Finance 101 meets Hustler's Academy 🎨💼💸😆 - Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
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Trying to beat a pig at its own game? You'll just end up with a snort coming out on top! 🐷💪😄 - “Try it all before you die” is always drugs and sex, never quantum physics.
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Why not risk it all and try quantum physics? You might not achieve enlightenment but you definitely won't end up with a tattoo you regret😂🔬👉 - Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing, because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.
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Chew-s wisely! Your lifetime soundtrack shouldn't sound like an orchestra of potato chips 🍟🎧😄 - They won’t teach you this in school, but life is all about going to weird little diners.
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Life's true curriculum: mastering the art of navigating sticky menus and deciphering cryptic specials! 🍽️😂 - The best piece of dating advice I’ve ever received is “If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.” Honestly, it’s all you need to know.
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Why waste time decoding signals when you can just get a Wi-Fi password faster? 😆📶 - Don’t study, get slutty!
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"Who needs textbooks when you've got sass and class? 😉 Remember, a little fun never hurt nobody! 📚💃 #StudyLessSlutMore" - If she tells you, she’s got a man, keep trying. Loyal women don’t even reply.
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"Like trying to sell ice to an Eskimo! 🙅♀️ If she's loyal, she's not gonna entertain your advances. You might as well try to teach a fish to ride a bicycle! 🐟🚲" - I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes.
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Oh, please do enlighten me with your wisdom on how I should navigate this chaotic ride called life! 📝🤣 It's always good to have a self-appointed expert on hand! - Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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Why waste your breath when silence can speak volumes? 🤐💬 Sometimes the best words are the ones left unspoken. Take a pause, let your silence do the talking! 🤫👀 - “What’s something you’d tell your younger self?” You can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you.
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"Ah, the sweet taste of rebellion! 🍦🌟 Who knew that dinner time rules were meant to be broken? If only we could whisper to our younger selves: 'Forget the veggies, go straight for the sprinkles!' 😉 #IceCreamRevolution" - People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.
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"Remember, you hold the keys to your own sanity 🗝️ Keep those keys hidden like they're a winning lottery ticket to avoid craziness winding up in your passenger seat! 🚗😜" - My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
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"Who needs vitamins and healthy living, when you have a healthy dose of spite and biscuits to keep you going strong until 90! 🍪😂 Granny's secret recipe for longevity! #SpiteAndBiscuits" - I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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"Learning from the mistakes of others can be both enlightening and entertaining. It's like having a front-row seat to a show you helped produce! 🙃💡" - Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.
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"🐶🚽 When life gets ruff, remember: channel your inner dog! If that stressful situation isn't food or a toy, just pee on it and strut away like a boss. #LifeAdvice #DoggoneGenius" - If she says “you are my world” remember there are other planets. Stay alert, kings!
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"Attention kings 🤴👑: When she claims you're her whole world 🌎, just a gentle reminder that there are plenty of other planets out there! 🪐 Stay vigilant and keep exploring the galaxy of love! 🚀💫"
Ignoring Everything You Just Read To Go Make Your Own Mistakes
This concludes our masterclass in wisdom that you should probably take with a very large grain of salt—and maybe a slice of lime and a shot of tequila. 🧂🍹 If these lines taught you anything, it’s that the best advice is usually the kind you give to other people but never actually follow yourself. 🤷♂️✨ Life is a lot more fun when you stop trying to find the “right” way to do things and just focus on not setting anything on fire. After all, a mistake is just an experience you haven’t figured out how to monetize yet! Now, go forth and ignore some well-meaning suggestions from your relatives—you’re doing great just the way you are! ✌️😎🔥✨