Today’s toddlers can switch on laptops and use apps. When I was little, I ate sand.

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Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.

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I’ve realized that some people don’t like me, but I’ve also realized that I don’t give a shit.

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I kind of miss when people stood 6 feet away.

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I wonder if my guardian angel and my future husband’s guardian angel are in a group chat trying to coordinate.

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Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car.

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Don’t give up on your dreams. If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles, you too can be anything you want.

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My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

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Someone yelled “hey, retard!” and I looked back.

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Started from the bottom and I’m still ain’t shit.

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The leading cause for injury in old men is them thinking they are still young men.