If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

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Seeking a date so intense even the candles are sweating.

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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

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Tried Adderall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing.

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Some people pack their lives so full of activities, appointments and people that I get exhausted just reading about it.

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Every house has a smell that only the people living in it don’t smell.

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Opening a Star Wars pub called Bar Bar Binks.

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Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

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“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re rocking a tutu.

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I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.