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I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s.

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It’s so important to warm up before any physical activity, like getting out of bed.

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Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment.

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If Keith Richards survived the ’70s, the ’80s, and 1.2 million Marlboros, I can probably survive anything.

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I always mean what I say, I don’t always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.

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Every time I see a dog with its head out a window, I know it’s having a better day than I am.

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Never in my life have I heard my dad sneeze at an acceptable volume.

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Actors in black and white movies were often putting their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was red or green.

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Each day on Twitter, there is one main character. The goal is to never be it.

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Ah, summer. When my non-consensual relationship with mosquitoes begins.