I didn’t just turn into a grouchy old woman overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off, and dealing with idiots to get this good at it.

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Everyone’s a gangster until their doorbell rings.

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I wish every day had 30,000 hours, and that I had unlimited Adderall and was unemployed.

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The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them.

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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

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I haven’t tried Yoga, but I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor, so I’m sure I wouldn’t like Yoga.

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The agony of thinking you’re finished doing the dishes, only to turn around and, to your horror, the pot.

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Turns out “YouTube rabbit hole” is not a reliable science degree.

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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant IKEA ball pit.

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When you’re two beers in, and you realize she looks like God.

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Funny that the Three Wise Men brought probably the three worst presents for a newborn baby.