I realized being an adult is just feeling too tired to function, and then functioning.

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Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen.

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To the spirits in my walls: going to the store, be right back.

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Sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do.

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I’ll rewind a movie, get on my phone, and miss the same part.

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If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago.

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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

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Desperately seeking my soul, mate.

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Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”. I cancelled my therapy for nothing.

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You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

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According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.