Does anyone know how to lower the difficulty setting on my life?

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Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

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Can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone.

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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes, all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

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Your honor, my client would like to play on his phone for a little bit

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Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when hot men are around.

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Killing with kindness is a murder by compliments.

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Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

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I hate starting new relationships. I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.