Just got hired at Five Guys as the guy who punches the burger before they put it in the bag.

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My body snaps, crackles, and pops louder than my cereal.

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I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be.

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Wife asked if I could stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe…

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Incorrectly is the only word that, when spelled correctly, is still spelled incorrectly.

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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching TV.

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My body cracks like a glow stick every time I move, but refuses to light up.

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Starting conversations with short people by saying “back when I was your height…”

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I bet my calculator app wrapped would be pretty shameful.

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Nobody victim blames more than my oldest son when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother.

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Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.