Flies are literally obsessed with flying into a room, then pretending they can’t get out. Grow up.

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When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

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My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room, dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence.

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Maturity is when you realize money can actually buy happiness.

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Shout out to people jogging in this heat, no, seriously, shout out to make sure they’re okay.

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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

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“You never text back.” No, I be reading texts from the notification bar, then forget to text back.

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My laundry is done, but I don’t even want it anymore. The washing machine can keep it.

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Bought a pair of night vision goggles so that I can easily find the fridge at night without waking my wife.

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Some people are wise; some are otherwise.

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Every time I have to leave the house and be around people I remember why I hate having to leave the house and be around people.