Stop expecting people to be as cool as you, it’s a recipe for disappointment.

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I know I just ate a snack, but I could really use a snack.

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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

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The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.

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Transgender ambulance driver whose pronouns are we/you/we/you/we/you.

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Don’t flirt with me. I’ll show up at your house and start eating all your snacks.

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Nobody at this train station knows that there’s a hole in my sock.

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My favorite military tradition is asking someone what an acronym means right after they use it, and they don’t know what it means.

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There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing beside you right now and you’d have no idea.

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My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

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Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you give it a really good massage?