My life goal is to make you feel as awkward or awesome as you are making me feel.

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If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

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Some hoodies don’t hoodie the way other hoodies hoodie.

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Forgot my glasses, so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best.

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Looks like it’s just you and me tonight, family size Toblerone.

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As you get older, nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. Like, I don’t know what to tell you, dude, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations.

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Men are like dogs. They’re actually cute, but having my own would be too much work for me.

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I love hard, but I stupid harder.

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I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age.

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Normalize responding to work emails with: “What the hell are you talking about?”

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Every day, I’m gaslit into oblivion by beautiful women, and then I go to sleep.