Someone from 🇧🇿 has viewed:

“Do it scared!” Thanks, but I have done everything scared. When is it my turn to do it calm?

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My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with fake tan.

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Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

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Saying “Hmmmm” when my boss walks in so he knows I’m thinking about stuff.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has viewed:

Camping? No, thank you. If I wanted to sleep outside, I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has copied:

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has downloaded:

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has viewed:

Two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg, we should totally start a pamphlet”

Someone from 🇳🇷 has viewed:

Someone needs to invent a kid that listens the first time.